


we're as good as invincible

by prodbeomgyu



Series: can i go where you go? [1]
Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Childhood Friends, Alternate Universe - High School, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Implied Beomjun, Implied/Referenced Underage Drinking, Light Angst, M/M, Mutual Pining, Oblivious Choi Soobin, Protective Choi Soobin, Protective Choi Yeonjun, beomgyu is more of a background character, idk how to tag help, like just a twinge, taehyun is mentioned like once
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-15
Updated: 2020-09-15
Packaged: 2021-03-07 03:29:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26466457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prodbeomgyu/pseuds/prodbeomgyu
Summary: Where in Soobin and Huening Kai grow up and grow apart, but quickly grow back together.
Relationships: Choi Beomgyu/Choi Yeonjun, Choi Soobin & Choi Yeonjun, Choi Soobin/Huening Kai
Series: can i go where you go? [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1924009
Comments: 21
Kudos: 155





	we're as good as invincible

**Author's Note:**

> i deeply apologize to the taehyun stans that he's not here he'll have more involvement in the beomjun part of this series ;; 
> 
> unbeta-ed.

I.

Soobin is seven years old when he gets called by his mother to meet the family of five that recently moved into the house across. He whines a little, not wanting to be faced with strangers, but nonetheless follows his mom. He’s a proud mommy’s boy after all. 

As they cross the street, Soobin tightens his grip around his mother’s palm. He’s not yet too confident when walking across a road, frightened by his older brother’s stories of the ground suddenly opening up and flying dragons that take you away if you carelessly cross a street without someone with you or if you don’t look both ways first. 

After Soobin rings the doorbell (his mom let him do it.), a _very_ tall man greets them. He’s so much bigger than Soobin that it scares him a little, he fights the urge to seek safety behind his mother. 

“Oh good morning!” But his voice is friendly and it eases the little boy’s worries about the tall man possibly being a wizard who would take him away. 

They get invited inside after Soobin’s mother introduces them both. The house’s interior is quite similar to Soobin’s own home, it appears a little smaller yet somehow feels livelier. Judging from the toys scattered in one corner of the living room and the group of plushies arranged with care on one couch, Soobin assumes that there must be children his age here, it makes him a little giddy. Possible new playmates. 

Soobin tunes out the conversation between his mother and the tall, friendly man. He’s not that interested in whatever adults talk about.

It’s only when his eyes catch another pair peeking from the stairs that Soobin feels compelled to speak. “Who’s that?”

Following the child’s finger, the man smiles after finding what, or rather who, it’s pointed at. “That’s my son, Huening Kai. He’s five.” 

The said boy carefully descends down the stairs one foot at a time after being beckoned closer by his father. Soobin is finally able to take a good look at the younger and he audibly gasps. 

Kai is dressed in a penguin onesie, stickers are all over his cheeks which appear to be placed by the toddler himself, judging by the sticker sheets he’s clutching in his tiny hand. And to make matters worse (better), his cheeks are definitely the roundest things Soobin has ever seen. 

He’s absolutely _adorable_. 

“Oh my god, a baby!” Soobin cries out. Before his mother can hold him back, he takes long strides towards Kai and wraps his arms around him. He can hear his mother calling him back but he pays no heed, not when the little one in his embrace is actually hugging him back. Soobin has never seen anything cuter.

“It’s okay,” Mr. Huening says with a smile. “Kai has been fond of physical touch since he was a baby, he likes hugs.”

When the older finally finds it in himself to let go, he gazes at the shorter boy once more. “You have stars on your cheeks.” Soobin giggles, eyes trailing over the stickers on Huening Kai’s face and counting them in his head. There are five. 

The younger peers up at him, his lips puckering into a pout, appearing to be in deep thought. He stares a bit longer before wordlessly peeling two blue stars from his sticker sheet and placing them on the apple of Soobin’s cheeks. Kai flashes a smile with all his baby teeth showing. “N-Now you have stars on y-yours too.”

With all the conviction a seven year old can possibly muster, Soobin promises to himself to protect Huening Kai no matter what.

  
  


II.

  
  


After a playground opens within their neighborhood, Soobin begins regularly visiting it, with Huening Kai in tow of course. Soobin happily spends most of his time either by pushing the younger on the swings, while making sure not to push too hard, or by helping Kai climb up the slide and being there to catch him after. They’re usually able to play in peace. 

Today however, the said peace is disrupted by two new kids. The bigger one of the pair keeps running around and talks with a loud voice, while the other would only giggle and tail behind like a shadow.

Soobin tries his best to ignore them by making sure that he plays with Kai on the opposite side from where the boisterous pair are. They were playing too aggressively and he doesn’t want Kai to be anywhere near them, afraid that the younger will end up hurt somehow. 

Unfortunately, this fear comes true when the other kids play in the sandbox near them and the smaller one of the two accidentally kicks sand to Kai’s direction. 

Soobin is neither the type to raise his voice nor the type to immediately get angry, in fact he’s been called a _good boy_ multiple times by his mother for always having great patience. Perhaps if the sand went flying towards him instead, Soobin would have simply brushed the grains off him and moved somewhere else. 

But it was towards Kai. The older has been trying so hard to always protect him and he’s been doing it without fail, at least until today. 

“Hey! What are you doing?! Can’t you just play somewhere else?!” Soobin stands up and shouts at the kid, his ears reddening in rage. He’s so mad, he’s confident he can throw the kid into space. 

With crossed arms, the bigger child protectively stands in front of the one Soobin was yelling at and responds in an equally angered tone. “Don’t scream at Beomgyu! He cries when someone raises their voice at him!” 

“Well maybe if he was more careful I wouldn’t be mad at him right now!”

“It was just an accident! Maybe if you tried hearing him out first, you would have heard his apology!”

The two continue arguing, neither of them wanting to back down. Soobin can go all day really about how Kai is still so small and therefore fragile. It’s a good thing the sand didn’t go into the younger’s eyes because if it did? Oh, Soobin would be _livid_. 

The eight year old only stops talking back when he feels a tug on the back of his shirt. He swivels around and finds Kai sleepily rubbing his eyes. “Hyung, it’s okay. Let’s go home, I want to take a nap.” 

Soobin is about to coo at the sight, but stops himself after remembering what he was doing just a few minutes before. He turns back to the other kid, “Whatever, I’m leaving now. Tell your friend Beomgyu to be more careful.” 

The taller leaves with Kai, but of course not before sticking his tongue out at the other children. He hopes he never has to see them again, especially the boy he was arguing with. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Soobin releases a horrified gasp when a week after the playground incident, on the first day of second grade, he sees the two rowdy children again. They appear to recall who he is too, since the bigger one’s face twists into a harsh glare when Beomgyu, Soobin remembers his name, cowers behind him.

“What are you doing here? Are you here to be mean to Beomgyu again? Are you gonna yell at him again?”

Soobin feels utterly embarrassed at the interrogation. Besides the fact that he felt guilty about what happened only when he got home, the other boy is also provoking him in front of his new classmates. Couldn’t they just fight again during recess or after school?

“Yeonjun, Soobin, what’s the matter here?” Their teacher steps in between them. Oh, so that’s the loud boy’s name. 

“Soobin was being mean to Beomgyu last week!” Yeonjun points an accusing finger. 

The former immediately attempts to defend himself. “I only yelled because you kicked sand towards my friend!” 

“I told you he was about to say sorry before you butt in!”

“Well none of that would have happened if you two just played somewhere else!” 

Worried that their squabble might escalate to physical means, their young teacher takes them outside and gently scolds the pair, firmly telling them that they should give each other a chance, especially considering how they’ll be together for one whole school year and it’s only the first day. 

And that’s how Soobin and Yeonjun find themselves still standing outside the room even as class begins. They’re not allowed to go back in until they’ve resolved their issues. 

The latter is the first to break the silence. “You should call me hyung, you know. I’m pretty sure I’m older than you since I’m already older than all the kids inside. I was born in ‘99.” 

Soobin only says a _hmph!_ in response. Although the other is older, he’ll only give someone respect if they deserve it. And right now Soobin doesn’t believe Yeonjun does. 

However, he is curious though. Yeonjun should have been placed in a class above then. What was he doing in second grade? 

Soobin must have voiced out the question without noticing, since he hears the _nine_ year old formulating an answer. 

“You’d probably find it weird but whatever. You’re right, I’m supposed to be in third grade now. But I…” Yeonjun rubs the nape of his neck as the corners of his mouth pull up to form a fond smile, his expression now a complete contrast to how he looked at Soobin before. “I want to do everything with Beomgyu, so I told my parents I didn’t want to start school without him, I’m actually surprised they really did allow me to let a year pass by.” 

The younger of the two stays silent as he lets the information sink in. Yeonjun delayed one of the most significant transitions in his life because he didn’t want to start it without Beomgyu by his side. The latter must be someone really special in Yeonjun’s life if he was willing to go that far, and without hesitation too. 

“Beomgyu is someone I’m okay sharing all my cool toys with, even if I want them for myself. If he’s tired, I’ll carry him on my back, even if I’m tired from all the playing too. I can’t imagine not being around him and I don’t want to either. Don’t you have someone like that?” 

Soobin looks down at the splotches of green paint on his otherwise white shoes, Kai spilled acrylic all over them when they attempted to do arts and crafts together three days before. His fingers trace the small drawing of a bunny scribbled by the six year old on his forearm with permanent ink, it’ll probably take a while to remove. He recalls the keychain attached to his backpack, Kai received it for free from a cereal box promo, but gave it to Soobin instead. 

The question rings in his ears again. _Don’t you have someone like that?_

_Yeah, I do_. 

“I’m sorry for yelling at Beomgyu.” Soobin mumbles, but loud enough for Yeonjun to hear. 

The older places a hand on his shoulder, a silent gesture of reconciliation, a truce. “Come on, let’s go inside so you can apologize directly to him too.” 

  
  
  


III. 

  
  
  


Among a third grade class of noisy boys and girls who tend to turn everything into a competition, tall height is a feat worth boasting about.

Soobin wants to take pride in it too, the problem is, he was growing _too_ tall too fast. Regardless of whether they were sitting in class or standing in a line, he would stick out like a sore thumb. 

With the unnatural rate of his height growth and his lanky limbs, Soobin became prone to mocking from other children. It didn’t help that overtime he also became more introverted and more unwilling to engage in any type of conflict, hence he often gets stepped all over by his classmates. 

Yeonjun and Beomgyu defend him whenever it happens, but of course, they’re not always around — the pair seem to have a tendency of occasionally drifting apart from any group, taking time to play only with each other. 

Soobin just tries to avoid trouble as much as he can by playing with only the kids who don’t make fun of him, especially with how Kai is in the same school as him now after beginning primary school. He doesn’t want the younger to see him vulnerable. 

Unfortunately today, two of his bullies approach him after school while he was waiting for Kai’s dad to pick them up. 

“‘Sup _sasquatch_.” One of them, Sunwoo, sneers. 

“Uhm, hi.” Soobin mutters as he looks down at his dirty shoes, refusing to make eye contact with the shorter boy. Maybe if he doesn’t see them, they’ll go away on their own. 

“Hey, why won’t you look at us? You think you’re better than us just because you’re the tallest in class?” The other bully, Jisoo, presses. 

“N-No that’s not-“

“Well you’re not! You’re too tall and too skinny, it’s creepy. I don’t know how you even still have playmates.”

Soobin bites his lip as he tries his hardest to not let the tears fall. It’s so unfair. What was so wrong with being a little taller? He’s nice, he always listens to what the teacher says, and he shares his snacks when someone else asks him for some. So why was he getting treated this way? 

The burn of humiliation worsens when he remembers that Kai is right next to him, witnessing how weak Soobin really is. 

A single tear drops to the pavement. 

From his peripheral vision, Soobin spots Yeonjun and Beomgyu on their way. A form of relief finally eases some of the tension coiling around his chest, he knows the pair will be able to drive the bullies away. 

“Hey bullies! Stop it right now or I’ll tell my dad you’re being bad!”

Shock replaces the relief Soobin was initially feeling when he hears Kai speak up first, instead of Beomgyu like he was expecting. 

“So what?” Sunwoo steps closer to Kai in an attempt to intimidate him, but the latter remains unfazed and even puffs his chest up. 

“My dad is close friends with Korea’s president, so if I tell him about you, he’ll pass the message to the president and you two will become enemies of the country!” 

Soobin blinks in confusion at the string of lies Kai was spouting. He doesn’t recall anyone ever teaching the younger how to fib, and frankly speaking, the statement just sounded too unbelievable. 

But to the bullies, it was enough, because just a minute later, both of them run off with panic obvious on their faces. 

Soobin and Kai are left with a heavy silence hanging between them, the taller is still embarrassed about appearing helpless in front of the one person he always tries to be strong for. Meanwhile, the other remains wordlessly staring. There’s a puzzled yet at the same time meaningful look on his face, as if he’s figured something out but doesn’t know the cause of it. Soobin is sure that Kai _knows_ , and it makes him want to shrink in shame even more. Seven year olds shouldn’t be this smart. 

“I know how you think of me, but let me help you too, it won’t make you look any weaker to me.” 

After the statement, Kai shifts to talking about a girl in his class who didn’t want to share her candy, as if understanding that Soobin doesn’t want to talk about what happened even without the older saying. 

Soobin’s hand engulfs the other boy’s smaller one and tenderly smiles at the size difference between their fingers. 

He’ll keep trying to protect him, it’s a promise Soobin made to himself after all. 

But for today, it’s Huening Kai who’s two years younger and five inches shorter who saves him. 

  
  


IV.

  
  


“People in school are getting boyfriends and girlfriends.” Thirteen year old Kai suddenly brings up. It’s a lazy Saturday, neither of them have any school work left to do, but they’re not in the mood to do anything active either, settling for simply lying on Soobin’s living room floor instead. 

“Yeah well, good for them, they’re actually brave enough to confess when they like each other.” The older replies. Throughout his elementary and middle school life, Soobin had a few crushes here and there, but he was never willing to do anything about them. They were all just shallow, puppy love anyway. 

“How about me hyung?”

“What?”

“Do you like me?” 

Kai crawls closer to the fifteen year old, his eyes wide with anticipation. 

Soobin’s eyes fixate onto the tiny freckles scattered across the younger’s cheeks, just below his eyes. They’re barely visible, only seen if you’re close enough. They most likely formed due to the boy always being under the sun.

It’s funny.

Kai has stars on his cheeks. 

Instead of answering, Soobin merely laughs at the question before sitting up to turn the television on. 

  
  


V.

  
  


“You have a _what_ now?”

Soobin places down the pair of chopsticks he was holding to take a moment to absorb Yeonjun’s sudden announcement. 

“I have a girlfriend, Somin from Class B, you know her? Hey, why do you look so shocked? Are you _that_ surprised someone likes me? Wow.” 

Soobin is dumbfounded, yes, but not for the reason the seventeen year old thinks. Yeonjun is not only known schoolwide for being a dance prodigy, he’s also friendly to everyone he encounters; a social butterfly. Multiple students were bound to be infatuated with him. 

It’s not a surprise at all that Yeonjun is in a relationship. 

It’s just that—

“I thought you’d end up with Beomgyu.” 

The older begins choking on the rice cake he was eating and chugs down water to remedy the tight squeezing in his throat. “What the hell Soob? What made you think that?”

Soobin raises a brow at the question and deadpans, “I don’t know, maybe it’s the slow burn pining between you two and the protectiveness you’ve had over him since we were kids.”

“Okay first of all, I have no idea what you’re talking about and come on, you can’t bring up my protectiveness when you’re the same way with Kai.” 

“It’s different!”

“Really? How?” 

Soobin ponders on the query. 

It’s different. 

Because even if filling the spot next to Kai is as easy as breathing, if not even easier; even if Soobin loves the feeling of the younger’s fingers perfectly slotting with his, like two parts of a whole; even if Soobin is willing to stop the world from spinning using his own hands if it means Kai gets to dance under the sun a little longer like he wants to,

It’s different.

Because despite what the people around them assume, Soobin is certain that with Kai, he’ll never hope to step foot in the unknown darkness that lies beyond the safe boundaries of friendship. He’s sure he’ll never find himself covertly placing more meaning onto the moments when Kai sits a little closer than he has to be, making sure their shoulders touch,

It’s different. 

“Because we’re just friends. I don’t see him as anything more and I’m sure he’s the same.” Soobin responds with a dismissive shrug. “Unlike you and Beomgyu who hide your obvious fondness for each other under constant bickering.” 

Yeonjun sends him an incredulous look and a corner of his mouth tugs upwards, as if in the process of forming a contemptuous smile, until his expression instead shifts into one that resembles sympathy after glancing at something past Soobin. The sudden somberness however, disappears just as quickly as it came. “You two are hopeless.” The older says before announcing his leave, his new girlfriend texted him to sit with her apparently. 

“Hey Soobin hyung.” A different voice joins from behind immediately as Yeonjun stands up to head to another table, leaving after only a simple wave. 

“Oh,” The said boy swallows the food he was chewing before speaking again. “Why didn’t you sit? How long have you been standing there?” 

Kai accidentally spills some juice as he sets his tray down. 

“Long enough.” 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


After Yeonjun stomps away to the school’s main gates with his eyes set ablaze, Soobin turns to Beomgyu, who’s only shaking his head at the eldest’s display of immaturity. “What’s Yeonjun hyung having a tantrum about? Did you two fight or something? He walked away right when you came.” 

Beomgyu releases a groan of frustration before answering, “He’s been acting like a brat ever since I told him my mom’s income is finally stable enough to buy our own house, so we don’t need to live with hyung’s family anymore. I told him we’re moving out soon and he kept pouting, saying it’s fine for us to stay.”

“Well, you and your mom have been living with his family literally since you were born. Maybe he’s just not ready to face such a big change yet.” Soobin replies, always the voice of reason between the four of them. 

“Yeah I understand that but shouldn’t he at least be a little glad that we’re not burdening them anymore? I never told him this—so you better keep it a secret or else—but I feel bad that we’ve been relying on them for so long. You said I’ve been with him since I was born, that just means I’ve been leeching off them for fifteen years now. He should be happy I won’t be sticking around him twenty-four seven anymore.” 

_Has it never crossed your mind that maybe he wants you to?_ Soobin bites his tongue to keep himself from interjecting. It’s not his business to solve Yeonjun and Beomgyu’s inability to be frank to themselves about how they feel, so he settles for an unrelated inference instead. “Well, you know he just broke up with his second girlfriend two weeks ago. The news of you moving out probably just aggravated him even more.” 

Receiving only a grunt as a response, Soobin looks back ahead, his eyes immediately zeroing in on a familiar mop of brown hair. He says a quick goodbye to Beomgyu before shuffling towards the object of his adoration with enthusiasm in each step. 

“Kai-ya!”

Soobin swings an arm around the said boy’s shoulders. He likes how the height gap between them is just right, just enough for his arms to make themselves home on Kai’s smaller frame. 

“You’re always using me as an armrest!” Kai complains, but doesn’t make a move to brush off Soobin’s arm. In fact, he slides even closer into the older’s warmth, indulging in the comfort it provides after an exhausting day of schoolwork. 

Soobin’s train of thought drifts back to Yeonjun and Beomgyu’s current silent dispute, it drives the slender fingers nestled on Kai’s shoulder to curl a little tighter. 

Between the transitions from childhood to adolescence, there are certain separations that inevitably occur to make way for growth. Time will slip away from your grasp no matter how unyielding your grip is, and it will take with it the aspects of your life that you thought would remain constant. 

Soobin has come to terms with that a long time ago, he’s experienced it multiple times — when he had to dispose of clothes that no longer fit him, when he had to throw away toys he no longer played with, and when he had to watch the old playground in the neighborhood be demolished. 

Whatever change he has to go through, whatever has to leave him, he’ll readily accept it. All changes come and go anyway. 

As long as God grants him one exception. 

“Hyung, let’s hurry! I want to get my hands on those egg tarts already.” 

Just one exception. 

The older only giggles in response to the boy’s urgency to get to the bakery three blocks away from their houses. Always so endearing. 

Huening Kai is the one change that Soobin wishes to be permanent. 

With their shoulders touching, they cross the school’s blue gates together. 

  
  
  


VI.

  
  


Soobin, in simple words, is a total pushover when it comes to figures of authority. 

So at the second week of senior year, when his guidance counselor urged him to attempt to run for student council president, he actually does so for fear of the look of disappointment on his counselor’s face after finding out Soobin didn’t heed her suggestion. 

To an unexpected turn of events, he won a little more than half of the total votes. He didn’t realize his peers view him as a potential leader.

Due to the additional work he has to do as a school officer, along with the load he already has to handle as a student, much of the time that Soobin used to spend with his friends was greatly lessened. 

However, he ensures to keep the strict routine he has of walking to school and walking home with Kai. 

“You know,” Kai starts as they saunter down a hill side by side. “There’s a club I want to join, but I have to audition first to become a member.” 

“Oh really? What club?” 

“I think I wanna be in choir.” 

It doesn’t surprise Soobin that Kai wants to get involved with performing arts, judging from the talent shows the younger’s family hosts during birthday parties, he can safely assume music runs in Kai’s veins too. “I’m sure you’ll get in.” 

“It’s still in a few months, but I was wondering if you could be there during my audition? Like actually watch me?” 

Wow. Soobin wants to commend the other for even wanting an audience besides the judges, but then again Kai is never shy when showcasing a talent or skill he knows he’s good in. The way his shoulders square each time he’s praised never goes unnoticed by the older. (It’s cute.) 

But Soobin doesn’t understand why Kai is always so eager to be seen, when it should be contrariwise; others should be aching to even _look_. 

Because Kai is beautiful and loud and he holds the light of a thousand suns within the lines of his palms. And maybe it should burn, but to Soobin, it makes the cold silence he keeps unintentionally surrounding himself with all the more bearable. 

“Of course I’ll go.” 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Yeonjun, Soobin, and Kai all go together to Beomgyu’s new apartment to celebrate his sixteenth birthday, their figures almost completely blocking the compound’s narrow hallway as they wait for the celebrant to open the door. 

“My house is still nicer and has more rooms.” The oldest of the three remarks with a roll of his eyes.

Soobin makes no effort to hold back a scoff. “Beomgyu’s mom bought only a simple two-bedroom apartment since it’s all they need, they don’t have the luxury to splurge on townhouses in expensive neighborhoods. Be more mature yeah?” 

“Well they would’ve been living better right now if they didn’t move out and stayed with us instead.”

“Hyung it’s been _two months_ since Beomgyu moved out. How are you still not over it? Plus he’s just three streets away, stop acting like he moved to the other side of the country.”

“I didn’t know you were this clingy, hyung.” Kai intercepts, giggling at the sight of the pout Yeonjun isn’t aware he’s making. 

Fortunately, Beomgyu finally welcomes the trio in before they can start another squabble. 

The male is adorned in a plain white tee under a red plaid flannel, courtesy of Yeonjun. His raven hair is permed, resulting in wavy locks that appear.. fluffier than usual. Overall, Beomgyu’s look isn’t too much out of the ordinary. What makes the trio stop and stare however, is the _glitter_. 

Placed meticulously on top of peach-pink lip gloss are small pieces of heart-shaped glitter of various colors that perfectly complement the hue of Beomgyu’s own pair. They glimmer in a way that easily catches the eye of anyone close enough, flaunting the pretty boy’s lips as a lush invitation. 

Soobin glances at Yeonjun with a knowing look, then bites his lower lip to prevent a snort from coming out when he discovers the absolutely stunned expression on the older’s face. 

Beomgyu appears to enjoy the attention too, based on the twinkle of pride in his eyes and how his gaze at Yeonjun lingers a little longer than it has to. 

It’s only a few seconds later when embarrassment finally begins to seep in. “So uh,” Beomgyu coughs, his voice suddenly hoarse. “Come in. My mom took a shift tonight on purpose so we can celebrate by ourselves.” 

The unit still doesn’t have much furniture, there are a few spaces that perhaps could have been for bookshelves or more comfortable seating, but are instead left unoccupied. 

“I know it isn’t much but…” There’s a hint of shame that becomes apparent through the way Beomgyu slightly sways side to side, shifting weight from one foot to another. He fidgets with the hem of his flannel, a habit that the other three know the boy does when he’s nervous. 

“It looks nice,” Yeonjun positions a hand on the base of Beomgyu’s neck and caresses the skin there with the pad of his thumb, a tender gesture of comfort he’s developed as he grew up with the younger. Contrasting to how it was when they were still outside, Yeonjun’s tone is soft and reassuring as he speaks again, “Now you have two homes.” 

Following the exchange, they begin setting cake and fried chicken on the coffee table in the middle of the living room. 

Laughter and petty arguing are what fill the room for the next two hours. There’s a sense of familiarity in the air that feels so warm and so close, Soobin thinks he can reach out and grasp it whole. He wants to. 

“We’re seniors now, do you guys know where you want to go for college?” Beomgyu brings up as he finishes his second slice of cake. 

“I thought all three of us agreed to go to Kyunghee?” Yeonjun replies, to which everyone else except Kai nods to. 

“Then I’ll go there too!” The youngest interjects. 

“Don’t worry too much about college yet, you’re a sophomore, you have time to decide.” Soobin ruffles Kai’s brown locks. It’s only now that he notices it’s gotten much longer. 

“I just want to go where you go.”

“Kai, that’s not-“

“Okay enough college talk! I brought something that Soobin isn’t gonna like, which means it’s going to be fun.” Yeonjun opens the satchel bag he came with and fishes out an object that has Soobin gasping in exaggerated horror. 

The older was right. Soobin _really_ doesn’t like what he brought. 

“Are you crazy?! All four of us are minors, you haven’t even hit 18 yet either, what gave you the bright idea to bring _whiskey_ out of all things? Where did you even get that?” 

“It’s fine! I got this from my dad’s cabinet. Also you don’t have to drink, don’t feel pressured.” 

Soobin appreciates Yeonjun assuring them that they don’t have to do anything they’re not willing to, but the situation still struck his protective streak that most often reveals itself when a certain someone is around. 

In the end, he takes Kai with him and leaves early, not quite ready to accept the possibility of the younger partaking in underaged drinking. 

Strolling under the guidance of streetlights and the stare of the moon, the taller shivers. The night’s cold wind still has a bite leftover by winter, but the sting of its teeth is eased when Kai takes hold of one of Soobin’s hands and blows into it. 

It’s warm. Everything about him is warm. 

“More people have been complimenting me lately, some even confessing that they have a crush on me.” Kai’s voice is small as he speaks, feeling shy about the attention he’s been receiving lately from his peers, but tries to hide it through a joke. “They’re starting to notice how pretty I am.”

“Hm, only now?” Soobin brushes away the strands of hair curtaining the specks of light in the other’s eyes. “You’ve always been pretty though.” 

He wants to believe that he’s simply humoring Kai by saying that, but Soobin knows denial is futile; there’s truth in his statement that he’ll never admit to anyone besides himself. 

After his comment, Soobin looks away too fast. 

He’s unable to see the pleased smile that etches itself onto Kai’s face and the rush of delighted thrill that manifests in the form of red and pink hues that run from one ear, across his cheeks, to the other. 

Red because of the cold, the incoming fifteen year old later says. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The whispers of the three choir leaders are all Soobin hears in the room as he sits behind them, waiting for Kai’s turn to sing. 

Truthfully speaking, Soobin already had an inkling that Kai would pass the moment the younger told him about wanting to join the club. He’s too good not to—he has more talent in the tips of his fingers than anyone else has in their whole being. 

It’s a few minutes later when the double doors of the club room open to reveal a clearly nervous Huening Kai, who lumbers towards the space in front of the choir leaders. He introduces himself with painful awkwardness, even coughing in between when his voice cracked. Not exactly a good impression for people who’ll base their judgement on voice. Nonetheless, Soobin flashes Kai an encouraging smile, even mouthing a silent _fighting!_ after it. 

The boy standing in the center of it all takes a deep breath and closes his eyes, before opening them again to unveil a blaze of bold confidence burning bright. And _sings_. 

Oh, it’s a song Soobin has listened to a few times.

It sounds different coming from Kai. Besides the sense of longing that already comes with the song, the male sounds nervous yet exhilarated, as if finally revealing a secret that’s been clawing its fingers around his neck yet fearing for what will happen after. Each note finds their way to even the narrowest cracks of the older’s heart, filling the voids he himself wasn’t aware of. 

Wow. Since when had the other gotten so good with conveying emotions through song? 

Soobin thinks Kai looks best like this — when he’s singing, because it’s when he’s doing what he loves. 

Kai laughing reminds Soobin of sudden splashes of sea water during summer afternoons. The former falling asleep on his shoulder takes Soobin to winter memories of warm cotton blankets after playing in the snow. Kai speaking evokes images of red carnations blooming in spring. Even Kai merely blinking reminds Soobin of orange and brown leaves falling every autumn.

But when he‘s singing, Huening Kai feels like—no, Huening Kai _is_. 

Huening Kai is all four seasons at once. 

And Soobin wants to live through them all. 

Oddly enough, the realization knocks the air out of him, rendering him breathless. It’s odd because hadn’t that already been a given? That he would remain revolving around Kai and gravitating towards him if he’s needed? So why does it feel like an epiphany that had just dawned on him? What was so different about then and now?

Continuous applause resonates within the four walls of the club room, pulling the senior out of his thoughts. He didn’t even notice the song had already finished. 

“That was so good! What was the title of the song again? I’ve heard it before but I forgot.” One of the choir leaders asks, incredibly impressed by the performance. 

Before answering, Kai’s eyes meet Soobin’s with such intense tenderness and ardor, the latter feels every individual filament of his heart wrap themselves around his lungs, his ribcage, his neck — sinking into the gaps between every vessel to consume his being whole. 

This time, the younger’s voice doesn’t waver at all. “Confession of a friend.”

Oh, Soobin exhales a shaky breath. 

This isn’t good. 

  
  
  


(Later that afternoon before letting Kai enter his own house, the taller tells him that his performance was amazing and that now he’s really sure he’ll get in. 

Following the praise, Kai remains silent and stares expectantly at Soobin, waiting. 

Waiting for what? 

The senior brushes it aside however, believing that the other male probably just wanted to hear another compliment. “Uh, well you should rest up now. You sang your heart out a while ago and you did really good, but I’m sure you’re tired.”

“Is that it?”

“What?”

“Nothing, thanks for being there for me like I asked you to.” Kai turns away from Soobin with a grateful smile and rushes towards his house’s front door. 

Meanwhile, the older stays rooted in his spot on the pavement. 

Because why did Kai look like he was about to cry?) 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**cutie kai**

hyung i got in !! (≧∇≦)

**soobin**

see i knew you would, i’m always right. let’s get ice cream to celebrate?

**cutie kai**

i’ll meet you at the front gate !!

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Soobin, from a distance, fondly watches Kai talk with his fellow choir members. He’s glad the younger is adjusting well and socializing well with his peers already, not that it was ever a problem for him. 

“Soob, come on! The meeting is starting.”

“Coming!”

  
  
  
  
  
  


**soobin**

hueningie, i’ll be out really late today because i’m helping the other council members plan for the incoming school festival :(

**cutie kai**

aw that’s alright, okay i’ll head off then :] 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


All of them burst out laughing when the current singer attempted to belt out a high note, only to fail miserably. The singer continues without shame however. 

Karaoke parties like this aren’t usually his scene, but Soobin is glad he came along. It’s the council treasurer’s birthday, hence he was invited along with the rest of the officers. 

“My turn to sing!” Yujin, the secretary, grabs for the mic. 

“You’ve already sang so many songs, is this Jinah’s birthday party or your concert?” The president quips, to which the rest laugh. 

They all equally carry the burden of being student council members and they’ve been around each other long enough to be able to share inside jokes and secrets. 

Soobin was barely able to contain his excitement and joy over being asked to come to the party. It felt as if he was in the process of some sort of initiation, and now he’s finally been accepted. 

“President! Wanna sing?”

“Hm, sure. Heads up, I have an idol-worthy voice.”

He’s glad he found more friends to spend the last year of high school with. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**soobin**

hey, what time do you get out? let’s get tteokbokki and then egg tarts 

**cutie kai**

sorry hyung, i have choir practice today. maybe next time (╥_╥)

**cutie kai**

you can head home first!

**soobin**

alright, see you tomorrow!

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Soobin barrels through the bus doors before they closed. He doesn’t have time to walk today, he’ll be late if he does. 

He slept through most of his alarms, most likely due to the night before’s cram study session that lasted until the early hours of morning. 

But more than sleep deprivation, a different issue stirs dread within the pits of his stomach. 

He’s unable to walk to school with Kai today, too.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**cutie kai**

hyung i promised you that we’d eat ramen together today but it’s a friend’s birthday and we’ll be going out with others after school :(

**soobin**

it’s okay! i can ask someone from the council to use this coupon with me, have fun! 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Soobin glances towards the same direction Kai has been unable to turn away from, pinpointing the object of his longing stare.

“Hey, it’s okay,” He nudges the younger’s elbow. “If you want to sit with them today it’s fine, they’re your friends too.” 

Kai’s eyes brighten and gives the older a side hug as thanks. “I’ll buy you kimbap later!” He promises before taking his lunch tray to another table. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**cutie kai**

ah we haven’t been seeing each other much hyung :( i miss you ㅠㅠ

**cutie kai**

are you already asleep?

**cutie kai**

right, it’s past midnight and you always fall asleep early

**cutie kai**

goodnight hyung 

  
  
  
  
  


**soobin**

good morning kai! wow it’s been days since we last texted

**soobin**

i heard you sometimes get picked up now by someone with you in choir. i’m jealous, i have to keep walking while you’re lounging in a car ㅠ i’ll leave now okay? 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“Kai and I are drifting apart, I think he realized I’m too handsome to be his friend.” Soobin brings up the matter during lunch with a lighthearted tone, trying to pass off the growing distance between him and Kai as a joke. 

The sophomore isn’t present today after having fallen victim to a virus. Soobin went to visit him yesterday, like he always does when Kai falls sick, but left soon after. His excuse being that he has a pile of work that needs urgent attention, when the real reason was that he felt out of place among Kai’s other friends that visited too, sharing inside jokes that Soobin wasn’t a part of. 

Beomgyu opens his mouth to respond, there’s an incoming onslaught of questions, but one glance at the clock has him abruptly gathering his things to leave, saying he’s about to be late for a panel in the auditorium for those interested in attending Hanyang University. 

Yeonjun watches him walk away with a solemn expression on his face. “Well, you two aren’t the only ones drifting apart.” 

This raises Soobin’s brows (and suspicions.) “Hey, I thought we all agreed to go to Kyunghee?” He directs a pointed gaze towards the only other boy left sitting with him. 

“I thought so too.” The older deeply sighs, putting down his utensils. He’s lost his appetite. 

“You’re not even halfway your food but you’re already done. Something is going on between you two, what happened?” 

“Nothing. Nothing happened, and that’s exactly the problem.” 

Soobin doesn’t respond, only now taking a good look at Yeonjun’s exhausted state. Dark circles are present under his eyes and his shoulders are hunched, a complete contrast to his usual proud stance. He looks like he’s been hiding something, and now he’s about to give in and let his heart spill over. 

“The night of Beomgyu’s birthday, after you and Kai left early. Beomgyu and I… We kissed.”

The younger of the two tries to interject, isn’t this something good? But Yeonjun raises a hand to stop him. There’s more, there’s so much more. 

“We both agreed on the incident being a drunken mistake, but weeks after it he confessed to me out of nowhere. He has feelings for me, Soobin. And I rejected them, I rejected _him_. I feel guilty but I know it’s the right decision.” 

Feeling his lips quiver at the sight of his best friend crumbling right in front of him, Soobin takes Yeonjun’s hand in his and caresses the back of it with his thumb, hoping to convey comfort through the pads of his fingers. “Then why do you look like you regret it?” 

“I don’t,” The other quickly counters. “He doesn’t seem like it, but Beomgyu is so _so_ fragile.” 

Yeonjun turns his head down and sinks his teeth into his lower lip hard enough to make the skin there split. “I don’t want to see him break just because I wasn’t sure.” 

Love. Yeonjun is so full of love, even overflowing with it. It’s obvious in the way he lets Kai borrow his clothes without hesitation, in the way he invites Soobin over to play video games when he knows the latter feels down, and in the way there’s a sliver of envy in his gaze when he sees couples around him. 

Yeonjun has so much love in him, all types of it, yet he isn’t willing to give it to the one person he wants to share his heart with the most. 

Soobin can only watch in sympathy, he doesn’t have the right to push the other to confront his own feelings. 

It would be hypocritical of him to do so when he’s been denying himself of that same honesty. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


It’s been four whole weeks of white noise between them, the longest they’ve ever gone without talking, so an invitation to a performance is the last thing Soobin expected to receive from Kai. 

The shorter assures him that he shouldn’t feel pressured to come, it was just a show some choir members decided to join for fun, but Soobin would be a fool not to when he knows he finds himself constantly glancing at the spot Kai used to sit on every lunchtime, when he knows he deeply misses him. 

There’s a sense of dejá vu being in the auditorium. Once again, he’s sitting in a cramped space at the back, waiting for the person he came for. 

The only difference between then and now is his awareness of how he feels.

Just for today, instead of ignoring it, Soobin will let the ache in his chest fester until his whole system is submerged in the pleasure and pain of admitting that he feels something more for Huening Kai, that he often thinks about how it must be so nice to be liked by Huening Kai, that before closing his eyes at night he finds himself wishing to know how it feels to be liked by Huening Kai. 

The male already treats him so sweetly as a best friend, Soobin wonders with jealousy how he would act towards someone he likes. 

Kai walks up to the stage wearing a simple black and white suit. It’s a little loose on him, his frame not fully grown yet to fill its spaces. Though to Soobin, it doesn’t make much of a difference anyway, it doesn’t make him appear any less lovely. 

Much like before, he is completely enamored when Kai begins singing. Bewitched, entranced, captivated, and all other words that mean gazing at something you never want to look away from. 

The spotlight pointed at him further emphasizes Kai’s features. Even from his position, Soobin can see them clearly. There’s no need for him to move closer to identify them, not when he has all of them already engraved in his head. 

They’ve become dangerous, Soobin realizes, now that he’s certain of how he feels. 

From the moles that map a constellation across his face and neck, to the scars on his legs that have accumulated from childhood playground accidents.

Each and every little part of Huening Kai has become as dangerous as a loaded gun, and they had shot through Soobin’s chest — leaving him bleeding with yearning. 

Unlike the day of the audition, he wasn’t lost in his own thoughts anymore, rather he’s become more conscious of everything Kai is and does. So this time, the very second the song finished, the senior is the first to clap among the audience. 

After the whole show ended, Kai dashed straight to Soobin’s seat. The latter almost chokes at the sight, the younger is always more beautiful up close. “Hyung! You came!” 

Soobin breathes, “I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

“Did you like it?” 

_You were amazing, you were more than. And I miss you and I think I like you, a lot, it feels so freeing to admit it._ “You know I did.” 

Soobin wants to say more, maybe invite Kai for egg tarts and ice cream and tell him about how he’s finally finished submitting all his college applications. Then he’ll ask the younger about the new Nintendo Switch he just got and if he’s interested in that new Mario game. 

But the words die on his tongue when the pair hears someone call for Kai, they both turn to the voice and find that it’s one of the choir members. 

It pulls Soobin back to the reality where he and Kai have found their own interests, separately. He’s leaving for college soon and the other boy has a new circle who can provide him with both delight and solace. 

Gone is the little boy who needed help going up the slide, the eight year old who sought him out even for the most minor inconveniences, the thirteen year old who felt awkward starting puberty. He grew up. 

Kai doesn’t need him anymore. 

“Hueningie,” Soobin’s throat dries. His insides are twisting and churning, creating a burn that prickles his skin from the inside out. It hurts. To know that the person you need doesn’t need you anymore, it hurts. “I have to go.” 

Confusion registers on the said boy’s face, then wariness. Cogs are turning in his head and Soobin is so afraid Kai will have him figured out again. “So soon? But.. okay, see you tomorrow.” 

“See you.” Soobin’s voice falters towards the end, he steps back to the auditorium’s doors before he can be questioned, slamming them shut to Kai calling out his name. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


Even when Kai’s back is in view and close enough to grasp, Soobin no longer reaches out. That day, tomorrow, and every day after that, he crosses the school’s blue gates alone. 

And as all childhood friends do, they drift apart. 

  
  
  


(The next time they talk to each other is Soobin’s graduation; they take one picture and the older moved away for college without a goodbye. 

Huening Kai never sees him again for his remaining years in high school — like a memory left to be forgotten.)

  
  
  


VII. 

  
  
  


Soobin is torn between believing he’s fate’s favorite and believing he’s its foe when he gets assigned as Yeonjun’s roommate.

Although he’s grateful that he doesn’t have to undergo the awkward phase of getting to know a stranger, the other thing he has to deal with is—

“I can’t believe Beomgyu really went to a different university.” 

That. 

Yeonjun has been bemoaning Beomgyu’s decision since they finished moving into their respective dorms, as if expressing his discontent on a daily basis will change anything about the situation. 

Soobin throws a pillow towards the male lying on the bed across from his, “First of all, Hanyang is a fifteen minute bus ride away, stop acting like that time Beomgyu moved out of your house. And second, his school year started two weeks earlier than ours, how’s he doing?” 

The older removes the pillow that landed on his face and lays his head on it instead. “He’s fine, told me his roommate, Taehyun, is helping him adjust. He’s actually from the same high school as us, just never crossed paths much.”

“You’re not afraid he’ll steal Beomgyu away?” It’s clear he’s only teasing, but Soobin still receives a glare and an eye roll. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, he’s not mine.”

“But you wish he is.” 

“I do _not_ \- whatever! The only thing that matters is we reconciled after graduation, unlike _someone_ here who didn’t even give himself a chance to make amends.” 

Now that hit a nerve, because it’s true. Soobin had so firmly believed that Kai is okay, or maybe even better, without him that all he did with the boy was take a single portrait before hopping in the car towards university. “I’m sure he’s doing fine, probably doesn’t even miss me at all.”

This time, it’s Yeonjun’s turn to poke fun at him. His tone is teasing, yet his eyes are sympathetic. “But you wish he does.”

It may be incredibly selfish for Soobin to say such a thing, but the one person whose judgement matters to him isn’t around anymore anyway. 

“I do.” 

  
  


VIII.

  
  


It’s during his third year in university when Soobin comes to terms with the fact that fate really does hate him. 

Because after being assigned as an assistant tour guide for new freshmen, he is forced to a direct confrontation with none other than the childhood friend he left behind. He’s taller now too, his broader shoulders now fill in the spaces of what used to be a loose jacket. Soobin isn’t looking down anymore. 

The college junior expected a monologue from Kai about how he felt betrayed, or even a cold shoulder as an apparent attempt to actively avoid him. Instead, he receives a squeeze on the shoulder and a friendly _long time no see huh?_ before the freshman shifted his attention back to the tour. 

It’s when Soobin is staring at the familiar view of Kai’s back that he realizes his mistake. 

Of course he wouldn’t get the hurt reaction he braced himself for. 

Bitterness can’t exist between strangers after all. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Soobin finds out from Yeonjun (who found out from Beomgyu) that Kai is, unsurprisingly, a music major. His relief is weirdly laced with disappointment in knowing that as a student pursuing a degree in Psychology, he won’t see the younger much, if at all.

The stars, however, just love aligning themselves in an order that ultimately ends up with Soobin’s misery.

Less than a week later, he comes face to face with the past he’s been trying to ignore in the balcony of a party Yeonjun dragged him to. 

The tension between them is thick and heavy, all the icebreakers Soobin knows remains lodged in his throat. Or maybe he’s the only one who feels the apprehensive atmosphere, considering Kai doesn’t seem to care about the abrupt end of their friendship. 

“Kai,” The name almost feels foreign on Soobin’s tongue, not having spoken it the past two years. “About back then, I-“

“We don’t have to talk about it.” Kai’s voice cuts through the palpable suspense lingering in the air. “Let’s just be close friends again, like before.” 

Like before. Before Soobin woke up one day with his heart fluttering at the thought of strolling side by side with Kai, before he began to fantasize about their entwined hands going beyond a platonic context, before he started to like the way Kai would always laugh so loudly into his shoulder.

Before. When they were Soobin and Kai, two friends who grew up together, and not Soobin and Kai, two people driven apart by unspoken, unrequited yearning. 

“Okay,” Before is better, anything is better than the after. “I’d love that.” 

The pair easily slip into casual conversation, both of them exchange stories about what each missed out on, unease replaced by nostalgia and familiar laid-backness. 

It further proves to Soobin that his refusal years ago to push past a platonic bond was the right choice, it’s easy right now only because they’re just friends. If Soobin tries to even set foot on a line he’s not supposed to, all of this will crumble. Again. 

Besides, it’s not like he hasn’t moved on from his old high school feelings, he’s matured now. 

Right? 

  
  
  
  


“Wrong.”

Kai’s head snaps to Soobin, who’s now looming over him, eating chips. “What?”

The older puckers his lips towards the mathematics packet Kai is currently trying to finish. He’s been hunched over his desk the past hour yet he’s barely halfway the work. “You’re answering the problem wrong, that’s not the equation you’re supposed to use.”

“Ugh, I thought being a music major would mostly involve writing songs and learning how to produce them, not- not whatever _this_ is.” Kai slides back from his study table, preferring to flop dramatically onto his bed before sitting back up again. “Give me some of those chips you stole from my cupboard.” 

Soobin doesn’t give his next action much thought, his body moves mechanically as he takes a single chip and pushes it towards Kai’s lips to feed it to him. For a few seconds, Soobin is just standing in front of the other with his hand hanging awkwardly in the air. He chides himself mentally when the mistake dawns on him and he starts pulling his hand back. 

Until Kai leans forward and eats the chip straight from Soobin’s fingers, his lips ever-so-slightly brushing against the skin of the latter’s index. The younger looks up at him through his lashes, and if Soobin didn’t know any better, he’d think Kai is actually blushing as he chews on the chip. 

He unknowingly drops the bag of junk food he was holding as heat spikes up from the deepest hollows of Soobin’s stomach to the very center of his ribcage, the sensation causing his heart to beat at an irregular rate.

The burn is sharp, yet pleasant, but most of all it’s not something he hasn’t encountered before. 

Soobin knows what it is and where it’s coming from and it’s propelling him towards another crisis, down he falls again to an endless pit of longing. Even after years, why now? Why still? 

His panic and increasing distress must have bled through, because Kai’s expression turns worried. Now even the situation itself is familiar, Soobin is thrown back to that moment when his sixteen year old self was hit with the epiphany that Kai no longer has a use for him. 

Like a scene ripped straight from their memories, Soobin says the same exact thing he did that day. “I have to go.”

However this time, Kai grabs onto him before he can turn to the door and seek refuge, his grip on the taller is tight and borderline bruising. “You’re doing it again! Not even a month since we met again and you’re already running away! The last time you said that, you never came back. What did I do? What’s wrong? _Please_ tell me.” 

“Me!” Soobin screams, the volume of his voice doesn’t even register to him, not when the emotions he’s been so guilty of are showing through. Tears drip along his cheeks and glisten along with the built up yearning he failed to hide. “ _I'm_ what’s wrong!” 

“Hyung what-“

“Back then, I could look at the space beside me and you would always be there, and I was content with that. Until I started wanting more, but by then you were already ahead and I couldn’t reach you anymore.”

“You,” Kai starts crying too and it pains Soobin to know he’s the reason why. “You wanted more?” 

The ends of his sleeves are soaked with tears and regret is coiling harder around his chest, the ache worsens with each passing second, but maybe the only way to stop secrets from suffocating you is to finally reveal them. “But then we grew up and we grew apart and you stopped needing me. It hurt to know that while I wished for more, you were better off without me.”

Crestfallen and exhausted, Kai’s voice is barely above a whisper. “Hyung, growing up didn’t make me need you any less.”

Even after hearing the words he craved for the most, Soobin is too deep in his shame to believe anything at this point. 

“Can’t you hear me? I want more too, hyung.” 

No. 

He shakes his arms strong enough to slip away from Kai’s grasp. “I have to go.” 

For the second time, Soobin runs away. 

He doesn’t deserve the bliss of living through the four seasons. 

  
  


Soobin’s feet take him to his dorm and straight into Yeonjun’s arms. He sobs into the latter’s chest about how his feelings for Kai never disappeared, about how he ruined their friendship just because he wanted to be greedy, about how _I like him so much, I don’t know what to do_. 

It’s Yeonjun’s first time hearing about all of it and it would be a lie to say it’s not overwhelming, but nonetheless, he listens quietly to Soobin’s cries and confessions. 

  
  
  


An hour passes by before the younger calms down enough to level down his weeping into soft sniffles. Yeonjun teases him for making his shirt wet with snot, which earns him a smack to the shoulder. 

It’s only now when Soobin notices how disheveled Yeonjun appears. His blonde hair unkempt and his eyes bloodshot, they don’t look like they shed tears only recently. Had he already been crying even before Soobin came in?

“Beomgyu?”

The older visibly tenses after hearing the name. So something did happen with them too. “Yeah but don’t think about it for now, you’ve gone through enough emotional turmoil for today.” Yeonjun says dismissively. 

“No, it’s okay. Tell me about it, I want to take my mind off.. you know.” And to be honest, Soobin feels terrible that he didn’t notice his friend’s state when he came in. 

Yeonjun nibbles on his lower lip, contemplating if it’s really the right time to talk about the issue, then releases a long sigh, “We kissed, again.” 

Soobin nestles his head onto the other male’s shoulder, his head is throbbing. “Did you guys get drunk again? When?”

“No.” 

Hearing this, Soobin’s back snaps straight up. 

“I kissed him sober, I kissed him because I wanted to.” Yeonjun exhales a shaky breath, fresh tears welling up again and blurring his vision. “And then he saw me with someone else and he misunderstood and I think- I think I really messed it up this time.” 

It’s funny. To think that they’ve both graduated high school and are already two years away from their leap to adulthood, yet the problems they weep over are the same ones from when they were immature, in love, and in their mid-teens. 

Soobin used to groan over how protagonists in romantic, coming of age movies always pursue people who don’t want them back. Why bother? It’s pointless, he would complain. 

But looking at Yeonjun’s damp cheeks and his own, he now understands love just makes you believe you have a chance. It’s the reason why it’s both so pathetic yet so marvelous at the same time. 

Regret, separation, guilt, shame. They’re why Soobin was so afraid of falling, to the point he avoided even entertaining the thought of it. Though maybe just like how they come in a package with love, they’re a part of growing up too. 

“Hyung,” Soobin slowly wraps his arms around Yeonjun, whose tears still haven’t stopped. This is the most he’s ever seen the elder cry, it shatters his heart even more than it already is. 

But it just happens, and that’s okay. 

“Let’s just give ourselves a chance for once, even if we don’t deserve it.” 

  
  


So for once, the next time Kai knocks on his door with a desperately pleading look on his face, he lets him in. Soobin sits on the couch and beckons the other to settle himself next to him. 

Only the clock’s ticking accompanies them, ten seconds pass by (Soobin counted.) before Kai breaks the silence. “When you left, I actually started hating you. I was so hurt, it’s like I was a stranger to you. In the end though, I couldn’t resist enrolling into the same university you did. I told you that right? That I just want to go where you go.” 

Soobin wants to shrink when Kai bitterly laughs. Apologies build up in his throat, but he lets the other continue. “On my way here I planned to give you a piece of my mind, that I’d yell at you and make a scene because I know it’s what will embarrass you the most. But then when I got here and I saw you, all the anger disappeared and I thought,” 

Kai swallows, “I just wanted you back.” 

He fishes out a piece of paper that’s torn on the edges and its middle areas creased, as if it’s been opened and folded repeatedly over the years. 

“We had an assignment in second grade,” Kai starts. “The question was about where we see ourselves ten years from now. My classmates answered things like they’d be living in a castle or maybe they’d be an astronaut by then. I couldn’t write something like that, I don’t know, all I said was this.” 

Soobin gently takes the piece of paper, careful not to add another rip. He squints in an effort to comprehend eight year old Huening Kai’s handwriting. 

Once he does however, it takes every bit of his willpower not to crumple on the spot.

_I’m not sure where I’ll be, all I know is that Soobin hyung will be there with me_. 

“I needed you when I learned how to tie my own shoes, I needed you even when I still didn’t. I needed you when I was sick, I needed you even when I was fine. I needed you when I got new friends, I needed you even when you moved away. I needed you then, and I still need you now—I still need you always, I still need you _most_.” Kai is heaving by the end of his confession, it makes Soobin wonder how long he had that shelved away. 

Since his oath as a seven year old to protect Huening Kai no matter what, Soobin began to have a misconception of equating love to being of use. Now it’s starting to dawn on him that although it can be, love isn’t just service. Love is just… is. 

Soobin doesn’t fully understand the realization just yet, but he’s still growing up anyway. He has time. 

“Can I,” And because he still has time, he can give himself a chance. “Can I kiss you?” 

Kai’s eyes glisten with tears again. (Just how much have they cried already?) But the corners of his mouth tug upwards to form a bright smile. “I’ve been waiting for so long.” 

Soobin tenderly cups the younger’s jaw and presses their lips together. The kiss is gentle and slow, they’re not in a hurry, because now they’re finally walking in the same pace again. No one is ahead, no one is trying to catch up from behind. 

(Four seasons isn’t just when Kai is singing, the taller discovers, it’s kissing him too.) 

When they separate again, Kai’s pair forms a pout. His voice has a teasing edge as he speaks again, “I gave you so many signs that I like you! When you didn’t realize I was confessing during my audition, I actually _sobbed_ of frustration.” 

Oh, wow. How could Soobin not notice when it was literally in the title? His fingers twitch, wanting to hit himself for being so dense. All the pining could have ended there if he just noticed. "But when you noticed that I wasn't approaching you much anymore, why didn't you talk to me about it?"

Kai’s expression turns serious after hearing the question. He takes Soobin's hand and places it against his cheek, closing his eyes as if to savor the warmth there and he continues to do as he replies, “How could I? I’ve always been reaching out first, while you were the first to pull away. I couldn't talk to you anymore if I wasn't even sure if you were willing to meet me halfway.” 

The older male’s response is a soft kiss to the forehead. It's both a silent apology and a new promise to be more aware now of Kai’s unspoken signs. If it's halfway that the other wants then he'll go above and beyond it.

Soobin takes a moment to just gaze. The sun’s beams from outside spill through the window’s blinds and illuminate Kai’s face with yellow streaks of light. In his mind, Soobin counts the number of sun rays he sees. There are five. 

He giggles, “You have stars on your cheeks.”

Kai directs a stare at him that’s filled with even more adoration. He gives Soobin butterfly kisses all over his forehead, nose, cheeks, and jaw, before placing a chaste one on his lips. 

“Now you have stars on yours too.” 

  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> this was my first time writing a 10k oneshot whew i thought i'd go 7k at most bc i wrote this while i drowned in schoolwork . 
> 
> (thank you to dy, dani, and mia)
> 
> if you liked this fic, please consider leaving a kudos and a comment ! it would really motivate me, thank you :]
> 
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> (i have both completed and ongoing beomjun twt aus if you’re interested)  
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